A Message From Your New Governor – That Speech in Full – Part Three

Plans to bring education, education, education to all the people of these islands are moving ahead quite smoothly. Once again, we have the cunning minds of the Temple of Dementia (sub-temple of Dumandumma) to thank for new, innovative education methods with which we hope to keep illiteracy levels rising on a healthy trend.

This year we will be issuing certificates to every school child who can hold a pencil and get out of bed in time to attend the exam, attesting that they have “passed everything with an A,” which saves on the administrative costs of things such as marking exams and teaching and proves that we have been successful in issuing certificates.

It also removes from children the unfair stress of having to achieve something and sets them up well for a life of slavery, drudgery, penury, soldiery and other worthwhile careers. The system is also proving successful in keeping young minds out of the dissident clutches of the peddlers of “information” and “facts,” such as Sensibal Dietts, by removing from them the ability to read either Sensibal Dietts’ publications or the works of other malcontents such as the warning labels on the products of the Pharmacopeia or the products of Poisonus Additivs and other food manufacturers.

I come now to the vexing matter of the barbarian hordes pressing upon our borders or landing on our beaches by dead of night in small boats. Euphemistically referred to as “Itinerant Workers” or “Immigrants” or “Refugees,” these hordes from Eastern Europe then proceed to ravage the land by stealing our jobs, eating our pets and raiding the Treasury and making off with large piles of cash (“benefits”). We already have enough trouble with indigenous tribes such as the Vandals, Yobs and Hoodies disturbing the peaceful order of the province (and by “peaceful order” I mean of course “mayhem”) and so we are taking steps to embrace these desperate people and find them a valuable place within the economy. As I pointed out earlier, any great civilization needs slaves and while we have been working hard through our traditional economic mismanagement to home-grow our own, there nevertheless remains a shortage and these new arrivals should cover the short-fall nicely.

This may mean some of you may have to sacrifice yourselves to the greater good by taking early retirement at fifteen or sixteen on account of the fact that people who demand wages Silencil can be replaced by people who don’t, but we are taking steps to ensure that those with five or six decades of time on their hands don’t get bored.

Thus we are stepping up army recruitment in preparation for the commencement of another war, whose manufacture and inception traditionally falls upon each new government. For those who don’t want to get shot at for a living or are uncomfortable with the idea of killing people with whom they have no quarrel, rest assured we will keep you entertained: the BBC (Britannia Broadcastus Crappus) is preparing new series of classics such as Neighbus, Eastendus and Up Yer Forum to keep you amused, or at least beyond caring.

And if that doesn’t quite hit the spot, remember the products of the Pharmacopeia are as ever at your disposal if you still need to dull the edges a bit. Remember too that the DSM is also at your disposal, with the Hoaxacopeia’s new mail-order system making insanity even easier. Simply browse the DSM in the comfort of your own hovel, pick any disorder that appeals to you and a cure will arrive by return of post. If you have trouble deciding – and let’s face it one is rather spoiled for choice – your local priest of the temple of Dementia will only be too happy remove from you the trouble of making a decision by picking a brain disease for you.

And in closing, a final word from me before I return to affairs of state: given all this good news and the Promised Land that is, as ever, just around the corner, it may come as a surprise to many of you – except perhaps the adherents of rebel factions such as the Majoritus Silens and Votem Apathia or followers of Conspiricus Theorus – that the Emperor could be displeased about anything.

Well, the word from the seat of Imperial power (which must remain hidden for security reasons) is that Caesar Nefarius Vexus is none too happy with the rumblings of discontent that emanate from these lands.

Despite everything that has been done for you: the drugs, increased leisure time, mental hygiene and…..er, drugs, you are still not happy. And if you are not happy the Emperor is not happy – unless you refrain from voicing your misery.

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